After much deliberation and doubt, I’ve decided to continue blogging. As to why I stopped blogging in the first place… well, I’ll spare you the details. Let’s just say that I was in a really bad place, what with my skin problems and other issues. Thus, I pretty much lost all motivation to blog. But that’s life: take the good with the bad, the bad with the good.
That being said, I also realised something very, very important. The past few weeks, I have been so incredibly sad. I wasn’t depressed or suicidal or anything like that. It was more like I was spiraling into a state of “I’m slowly losing my sanity” paranoia. I felt as if I was losing my connections with my friends and family, and each and every day, I was becoming more and more unresponsive and mentally distressed. I developed a pessimistic and cynical perspective on everything. My friend’s words and actions were treated with suspicion and contempt, as if they were leaving me out deliberately. I found myself throwing temper tantrums constantly. I became more impatient, frustrated and not “me”.
In such a state of mind, it was probably a bad idea to invite one of my best friends to sleep-over at my house. Peeps undergoing TSW will know what I mean. By the way, when I say “best friend”, I mean to say, he’s one of the two people, apart from my family, who I would trust with anything. Absolutely anything. I know there’s the common stereotype of high school friendships don’t last, and that it’s probably an immature (can’t think of the word) thing to say, but the relationship I’ve developed with this person is one of a kind. He is truly a brother from another mother. Anyway, I met up with said friend on sleepover day, and simply put, he simultaneously saved my life and changed my whole perspective and how I saw the world. I felt cleansed, spiritually and mentally (sadly, not physically). I felt rejuvenated. My paranoia evaporated in an instant, and for the first time since I started my TSW, I felt genuinely happy. I even smiled. Well, he kinda forced me to smile, but you get my point. It was a really emotional experience for me, and I felt like a bit of a sissy for crying in public (we were eating lunch, you see), but all’s well that ends well, right? I’m not even sure if I’m using that idiom in the correct context. Whatever.
So that little anecdote brings me to the main point of this post. This signals the official return of yours truly, FOTB, to the blogging community. Or wordpressing community. At FOTB, we press words and eat bao all day. I wish. But seriously, I mentioned that I realised something very, very important. I realised that, my sadness (and yours too) is but merely an illusion of the mind. We choose to be sad, but we can also choose to be happy. Glass half empty or half full scenario, folks. What I saw as mutiny and betrayal from one of my best friends (who I’ve come to realise is perhaps one of the kindest and coolest peeps in the world… yeah, I know, I need a bigger vocabulary and I need to stop including so many interruptions okay bye!) was, in fact, the exact opposite. My mind was playing tricks on me. I was playing tricks on myself! The sadness in my mind was nothing but evil sorcery conjured up by my evil brain! EVIL BRAIN! *queue Pinky and The Brain theme song*
Even though I now felt slightly more cheerful, it’s still really hard to stay positive with TSW, especially when you enter a flare. Moreover, I still didn’t have any motivation to blog. But while lying in bed, idly scratching… okay, more like furiously scratching myself, in a whim of the moment, I suddenly saw why I wasn’t into blogging anymore. When I first started this blog, I wanted to invite you guys into my world. To tell you my experiences in life, my thoughts, my feelings. I wanted to tell you guys about me! And blogging about TSW… blogging about how sad I am, and how sorry I am for myself, isn’t me. Me is wanting to be a chef, loving food, loving music, loving life! Me is Hip Hop, speaking like I’m from the hood when I really ain’t (see?), me is video games and fun!
So there you have it. My revelation. I want to say again, and this time for myself rather than y’all… Fresh Off The Bus was initially created as a blog for me to, unknowingly, dump all my negative emotion into, hoping for some sort of sympathy from other sufferers. All too quickly, it became a tangled web of unnecessary bitterness and sadness, the morose words of a troubled soul, blinded by hate and all things bad in the world. Blah blah melodrama. That wasn’t what I wanted FOTB to be. FOTB is a reflection of myself, and who I want to be. Starting today, I want to post about the computer games I play, and the music I listen to; food culture, poetry, cute animals, etc. And of course, philosophy and “real talk”, as I promised. Anything that’s me. I’ll still have the occasional life update and TSW post, but from now on, I’m not counting the days. I’m choosing to be happy and not sad. Like Bruce Lee said, “As you think, so shall you become.” There will be the inevitable days when I’m feeling down, but hopefully this blog will be one that I can be proud of, and contain posts that you guys will enjoy. I am Fresh Off The Bus. And shit, I got a world to run.
Dosvedanya, comrades! Adios, amigos! I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. I’ll see you guys in the next post.
Peace out 🙂
“My, what a good day for a walk outside”
Life is hectic. We’ve become caught up
in the chaos and pandemonium, so much
so that we’ve lost sight of the simple things.
The things that make us happy. It’s a
good day outside. Take a walk. -FOTB.